Calvin, Hobbes, and a Whole Lot of Goblins
by Fairyfinder
Summary: What if Calvin was playing with Hobbes one day? What if they got in a fight? What if one of them said some things they'll regret? What if a Goblin King gets involved? Well, let's just say, this isn't going to be you're typical Labyrinth story.
1. Killumous Calvinous

**Disclaimer: If I owned Calvin and Hobbes it would have never ended, if owned Labyrinth it would have been a much shorter movie, so no, I don't own either.**

Calvin was out in the woods with Hobbes, pretending to be fugitives. Of course, they had experienced being fugitives when they crashed Calvin's parent's car into the ravine across the road, but this was different. This was being fugitives from Susie and her game of house.

Calvin slapped a spider as he crawled under a bush. "Hey Hobbes, do you know if there are any man eating or poisonous spiders around here?"

Hobbes leaned in and examined the spider squished against Calvin's palm. "That does look quite bit like the _Killumous Calvinous_. If it bit you, well, I'd better say my goodbyes now."

"There is no such thing!" Calvin growled, wiping the spider on his shirt.

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not, besides, how would you know what one was?" Calvin challenged.

"They are a tiger's natural predator; we have to know what they look like." Hobbes said airily.

Calvin looked all over his hand in worry. "I don't think he got me!"

"Well you wouldn't see bite marks." Hobbes snorted.

"What would you see?" Calvin whispered.

"Nothing, their bites are invisible."

"Is there a cure?"

Hobbes tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Now that I think about it, yes, there is."

Calvin grabbed Hobbes' tail and yanked him close. "Tell me! I'll do anything!"

"That's good." Hobbes noted.

"Wait, why?"

The stuffed tiger smirked. "The only way to cure the bite of a _Killumous Calvinous_ is to kiss a girl."

"_What_?!" Calvin shrieked, standing up.

"You can read about it in any book. You have to kiss a girl if you want to live." Hobbes shrugged.

"I'll die before I kiss a girl!" Calvin swore.

Hobbes grinned wildly. "Does that mean I can have your comic books?"

Calvin ignored him, having spotted Susie a few feet from where they were hiding. He held a finger to his lips. "Sssshhhh!"

Susie took her sweat time walking by and as she did Calvin debated his situation. Was dying really better than kissing a girl? Or was kissing a girl worse than dying?

Hobbes whispered into his ear, "Now's your chance, she's right in front of you."

Susie stopped for a second to pick a flower and Calvin struck, lips puckered and eyes closed. He kissed her right on her cheek, leaving a wet mark of saliva.

"Eww!" Susie yelled, pushing Calvin away and wiping off her face with her sleeve, "You're disgusting Calvin!" And with that she ran away.

Calvin turned to Hobbes, spitting out any cooties he might have gotten. "Bleh! She smelled like shampoo! And soap! I hope that was worth it."

Hobbes was rolling in the dirt; laughing so hard Calvin expected the fluff to come right out of him.

"Ha! I got you to kiss Susie Derkins!" The tiger hollered, "Calvin and Susie sitting in a tree…"

Calvin curled his hand into a fist and swung at the tiger. "Why you dirty, rotten liar! I oughta…" Then Calvin remembered the book his father had read to him the night before. "I wish the goblins would take you away, right now!"

Hobbes stopped laughing as the wind picked up. Calvin smirked and crossed his arms.

"That'll teach you."

Hobbes flickered in and out of looking like a tiger and a stuffed animal. "Calvin! What did you do?"

"He wished you away." A tall man with hair as wild as Calvin's stated.

"Where did you come from?" Calvin snorted, "The circus?"

"Actually, I'm here to take Hobbes away, I'm the Goblin King."


	2. Oh for Goblin's Sake!

Calvin snorted. "Good. He just made me kiss a girl!"

The Goblin King blinked. "Is that all?"

"That's plenty! Kissing a girl is high treason to G.R.O.S.S." Calvin pouted, crossing his arms and turning away from the strange man.

The Goblin King didn't even bother to ask what G.R.O.S.S. was. "Enough chit-chat. Where is Hobbes?"

Calvin rolled his eyes. "Are you blind? He's right here."

The Goblin King scanned the area for another child, or an adult, but could find none. All he saw was a stuffed tiger sitting on the ground. "Where?"

Calvin picked up the stuffed tiger and shook it. "Right here!"

"Oh!" The king nodded and held up a crystal, dropping it on his own head, "Now I see." The king had not needed to see imagination in a while and found that he had to use a crystal this time. If he had kept in practice of that particular skill he could have seen Hobbes for what he really was.

The tiger flicked his tail. "About time!"

"My apologies, Hobbes." The Goblin King nodded respectfully.

Calvin was growing impatient and stomped his foot. "So are you going to turn him into a goblin or what?"

Hobbes stared at the six year old in amazement. "Turn me into a what?"

"A goblin. Dad read me a story last night and if you wish someone was taken by goblins then they get turned into a goblin."

Hobbes was shocked again. "You actually paid attention to a story besides _Hamster Huey and the Gooey Gabaloo_? That's remarkable!"

"It was a good story." Calvin argued, "Lots of goblins, and chickens. If the princess had just been eaten by a swamp monster…"

The Goblin King rubbed his head. "Calvin."

"That would have made the story. There could have been a lot more blood too…"

"Calvin!"

"And ogres! Why weren't there any ogres?"

"_Calvin_!"

"A blood thirsty tiger or two would have helped a lot…"

"_CALVIN!_" The Goblin King yelled.

"What?"

The king calmed himself down and formed another crystal. "Now, you've wished Hobbes away…"

"What does that mean?" Hobbes whispered loudly.

"What's said is said and there is no going back."

"I think he's going to turn you into a goblin now." Calvin whispered back – loudly.

"You have two options…"

"I would prefer a blue goblin, but green is good too." Hobbes told his friend.

"You can either…"

"What about black and red?" Calvin said, making gestures with his hands that were meant to represent the evilness of the coloring.

"Ehem?" The king interrupted.

"Orange is really one of my favorite colors, but that does sound like a good combination." Hobbes agreed.

"If you were green it would make it much easier when we play army…"

"_You won't be playing with him anymore_!" The Goblin King yelled, losing his temper.

"Why not Mr. Fancypants?" Calvin retorted.

"_Because I am taking him away and giving you all of your hopes and dreams_!" The king roared, scaring off several birds.

"Hopes and dreams, eh?" Calvin rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "My first wish is…"

"You really don't get it, do you? You already had a wish. Hobbes is being taken by the goblins and you get to live a life without him."

"Oh, is that it? Then I'd rather keep Hobbes." Calvin decided, "If I got all of my hopes and dreams there would be a lot of money involved. Since all I'd get is a life without Hobbes, I'd rather keep him."

Hobbes grinned. "That's so sweet!"

Calvin rolled his eyes. "Is not!"

"Is so!"

"Is not!"

"Is so!"

The Goblin King stomped his foot, causing a ripple of magic that knocked both boy and tiger off of their feet. "You cannot keep him because you wished him away. The only way you can get him back is if you run the labyrinth!"

Calvin stared at him in a confused state. He kept staring for a few minutes while the king caught his breath with a grin on his face. After a while, as Calvin keep staring, the king turned to Hobbes, who had taken a sandwich out of a paper bag and was now snacking.

"Why is he staring at me?"

Hobbes swallowed his peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich. "He's trying to figure out what 'labyrinth' means."

"Oh for goblin's sake!" The king growled, "A labyrinth is the same thing as a maze."

"Like the ones on the back of cereal boxes?"

"Yes, like the ones on cereal boxes, but significantly more complex." The Goblin King grumbled impatiently.

Calvin stared at the man for another second.

The king rolled his eyes. "Complex means confusing, or difficult."

Calvin nodded his thanks. "So you want me to go through a maze and win Hobbes back?"

Hobbes groaned. "I hope it's comfortable in the place we're going. I'm going to be there for a while."

Calvin shot a glare at his tiger. "What's _that_ supposed to mean? You don't think I could find my way out of the maze?"

"Calvin, I don't think you can find the way out of the bathroom. In fact, I _know_ you can't find your way out of the bathroom." Hobbes snickered, "Remember when we went to your aunt's house and you had to call your mom to help you…"

"That's enough of that story!" Calvin shouted.

"All I'm saying is, I don't think you can do this and it might be better to just forget it." Hobbes chided.

"But then the only person I'd have to play with would be Susie!" Calvin protested.

The Goblin King was getting tired of this. Calvin was the most irritable child he had ever met. Even Sarah hadn't been this bad! And it didn't help that he had only wished away a stuffed tiger. The words had been invented so that the number of goblins could increase and so that children – or adults could get rid of unwanted friends or family. Not so that little boys could bother the Goblin King and turn their toys into goblins.

"You only get thirteen hours to run the labyrinth and if you cannot beat it you will both become my goblins!" He warned.

"Both of us?" Calvin asked, raising an eyebrow.

The Goblin King checked himself. "No, only Hobbes, and you'll have to be a chicken. And then Hobbes will be better off than you."

"No way!" Calvin gasped, "When I want to be a chicken I'll use my transmorgifyer! I'm running the maze thing just so Hobbes can't be a goblin without me!"

"Finally we're getting somewhere!" The king sighed, "Are you ready to go?"

"I never leave home without a chocolate syrup and turkey sandwich!" Calvin affirmed.

"I don't even want to know what that means. Off to the labyrinth we go!" As soon as the words were out of the Goblin King's mouth they arrived at the front of the famed labyrinth.


	3. Introductions

Calvin could not remember the last time he had been without both Hobbes and his parents – besides at school of course. But at school he could always trick the teacher into letting him use the bathroom at which point he called his parents to come break him out, at which point his parents phoned his principle. Hobbes was like an extra limb to the little boy and Calvin felt lost without him. This feeling soon evaporated as a fairy flew by his face.

Calvin lunged and caught the fairy, which bit him. The six year old did not let go, but instead put her in the paper sac (containing a chocolate syrup and turkey sandwich) that had been in his pocket. The fairy screamed angrily as she smelled the sandwich.

"I can't wait to show Hobbes this bug!" Calvin chuckled, shaking the bag.

"Let me out of here!" A small voice cried, "I'm allergic to chocolate syrup!"

Calvin stared at the bag. "How is this possible?"

"I'm not a bug, I'm a fairy. And fairies can talk!"

"Not that, how can you be allergic to chocolate?"

"Let me out before I explode!" The fairy shrilled.

"Fine, fine." Calvin muttered, opening his paper bag.

The fairy darted out, only to be shot by fairy-spray. "Oh! He got me!" She coughed dramatically and began to fall to the ground.

Calvin grabbed her just before she hit the ground and studied her intently. She didn't look like he had imagined her to. He had imagined that she looked like Tinker Bell, but instead of sparkling, she was putting off a kind of brown glow. Her skin, hair, and eyes were all dark and she smelled faintly of turkey (that was probably because of the sandwich she had been roommates with for the past few seconds).

"What happened to you?" Calvin asked impatiently, "You got hit with some spray or something."

"Fairy-spray! It's like bug-spray, but it hurts fairies instead." The fairy gasped.

"Where'd she go?" A rough voice asked from behind Calvin.

The little boy spun around and, to his amazement, was face to face with a dwarf. The thing was ugly. He had a knobby nose and stringy grey hair sprouting from under his filthy hat.

"Where'd who go?"

"The fairy! I want to make sure I got 'er." The dwarf grumbled.

"Why are you spraying fairies? Aren't they supposed to be really nice or something?" Calvin wrinkled his nose, "Aren't they supposed to be all sparkly too?"

"Why does everybody think that?" The dwarf groaned, "Fairies are not to be trusted. They bite and steal your gold."

"I don't have any gold and she already bit me." Calvin retorted.

"Well, 'ave you seen 'er or not?"

"Depends, what's in it for me?"

"The happy feeling that you get from killing a fairy?" The dwarf tried.

"No cash, no fairy." Calvin dumped put the fairy back in his bag and took the fairy out, "Besides, I want to show it to Hobbes."

"The name's Hoggle and I'm right here." The dwarf shouted.

"No, his name is Hobbes. And the king guy took him."

"If the king took whoever this fellow is then you aren't getting him back without help." Hoggle declared, "I suppose you'll be needing assistance…"

"Not from you, ugly." Calvin grunted, waving the dwarf off, "I'll take my chances with the bug."

"But I've made it through before; I have valuable information about the labyrinth!"

"Bye!" Calvin called, heading for the labyrinth.

"How will you find the door?" Hoggle argued.

"Who needs a door? This wall isn't that high!" Calvin called, pulling himself up onto the wall with some vines.

Hoggle scowled and shuffled off as the young boy cleared the wall. "Shouldn't even be possible!" He muttered, "I thought it were a magic wall!"

Calvin found himself in a long corridor. "Some maze, there are only two directions!"

"You should look for a worm." The fairy called from his paper bag.

"Why? Are you feeling hungry?"

"Ew! I don't eat worms! You should look for a worm and ask for directions, that's how the Winner got out." The fairy noted.

"Who's the 'Winner'?"

"Sarah Williams. She was the only human to ever beat the labyrinth. There's a rumor that the king fell in love with her." The fairy sighed dreamily.

"Ew! That's nasty!" Calvin spit like there was a bad taste in his mouth, "Hey, what's your name?"

The fairy took a deep breath, "My name is Brunette Dirt Cocoa Morena Mud Tawny Rose Frog Guts Brown Deer Tick Burnt Marshmallow."

"Oh. What do people call you when they're in a hurry?" Calvin asked.

"Oh, no one calls me that. It's just my name. They call me Bruna."

"Why do you have such a long name?"

"Because brown is my favorite color, so the namers thought they should name me everything that had to do with brown."

"Rose and Frog Guts generally don't have to do with brown. Anyway, my name is Calvin."

"What an ugly name." Bruna sniffed from inside her bag."

"So, how are you allergic to chocolate?"

"I'm not. I lied so that you would let me out of the bag. How's the worm hunt going?"

Calvin overturned a rock and stepped on an ant. "I've found everything from spiders to centipedes, but no worm."

"Try calling to him!" Bruna urged.

"Uh, okay. Here wormy, wormy, wormy!"

"Are you stupid? You don't call a worm like that!"

Calvin shook the bag. "You're really getting annoying, and you look very squishable!"

"You have to say 'ello." Bruna continued as if the boy hadn't just threatened her.

"Hello?"

"No, 'ello."

"If you say so. 'Ello?"

"Well, 'ello to you too!" A worm called from the ground, "I'm the worm."


End file.
